Swipe Right
by jennybenny2845
Summary: Harry gets more than he bargained for during his first foray into online dating.


A/N: Prompts & challenges at the bottom. Rated M for language and sexual content. For Bex - thanks for looking it over and the title suggestion!

* * *

Swipe Right

* * *

Harry sipped his espresso, tapping his foot impatiently as he watched the clock's hands tick past the designated meeting time. _Five minutes late already! So unlike Hermione!_

He nibbled on the shortbread cookie that accompanied his beverage, trying not to let his concern for Hermione overcome him. _She's probably got a reasonable explanation. She always does._ He glanced around at the café's interior, paying careful attention to the arriving customers.

At ten minutes past the hour, Hermione entered the café. Her flushed face and brown curls, frizzier than usual, caught his attention. His heart sank, noticing the crazed look on her face. He'd seen that look before and often. It was one she'd sported in their fourth year at Hogwarts when she'd campaigned passionately for elfish welfare.

Harry raised his hand, guiding her to his table. She dashed over to him, almost knocking down a woman carrying a cup of tea. Hermione plopped down on the chair, looking like she was about to burst at the seams.

"Nice of you to finally show up," chided Harry. "Normally, I'm the one who's running late."

"Harry, I'm sorry! I got caught up with something," Hermione apologized.

"Is everything okay with my phone?"

"Yes, my friend was able to fix it."

"Nice!" Harry extended his hand to Hermione. She hesitated, slowly rifling through the contents of her purse.

"What's wrong? You didn't drop it on the way here, did you?"

"Well, no…"

"Good. Hand it over."

"Okay, but there's just one thing…"

"Out with it," Harry pressed, slowly beginning to lose his patience with her shiftiness.

"So, you and Oliver have been broken up for two years now, right?"

"It's been three." _Three years, five months and eight days to be exact, but there's no way I'm telling her that._

"Well, according to what I've read, you should be ready to move on by now. Sources say that it takes you half the time the relationship passes for you to be over it."

"I'm not sure it works like that, Hermione," Harry replied, shaking his head.

"I suppose, but that's not the point. Fact is, you've been single this whole time," Hermione began. "And quite honestly, I think it's time you got back out there. There are probably loads of men who'd want to date you. So, I downloaded a dating app for you."

"You did what?" Harry questioned, his eyes widening. Hermione often took liberties with his life matters, but he didn't think she'd cross this line.

"It's super easy to use!" exclaimed Hermione, ignoring Harry's surprised reaction. "There are several on the market. I only had time to research the top five."

Harry huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You swipe right on who you like. If a guy you swiped on swipes right on you, it's a match. I went through the first fifty. You know, mainly to get rid of the ones I'm certain you wouldn't like. I swiped right on thirty. I was on the fence with some, but I figured you could decide on them once you started chatting."

Harry huffed again, a touch louder this time. He narrowed his eyes at her, wishing his glare would quiet her.

"You've already got some matches. Oh, here's another one!" Hermione cried as his phone vibrated. "I messaged one earlier. Seems like a good fit, though his profile's a bit odd…"

"A good fit?" bellowed Harry.

"Obviously!" Hermione fired back. "I wouldn't pair you with anyone I didn't think wasn't!"

Using his lightning-fast reflexes, Harry pulled his phone out of Hermione's hands. She'd done enough damage.

"Hermione, I hate to burst your bubble. I'm sure you downloaded this app to help me," Harry began, softening his tone. "While I appreciate your efforts, this is something I should do on my own."

Hermione's face fell at his words. The smile on her face turned down into a frown. "I was just trying to help."

Harry took a few deep breaths, fixing his eyes on a spot above her head.

"Think about it. Delete it if you don't like it," Hermione persuaded.

Harry glanced back at her face, noticing the hope in her eyes. At that moment, he knew she had him. _It'd be nice to go on a date again_.

"Okay, I'll have a look. I promise," Harry agreed. "Now, tell me about this new position."

xxx

"Thank, Merlin!" Harry exclaimed as he turned away from Hermione and headed back to Grimmauld Place.

His phone had gone off several times during their conversation. The constant vibrations against his thigh made it difficult for him to focus. Part of him wanted to delete the app right then and there. He had told Hermione time and time again that he wasn't ready to move on.

Though, part of him had grown more and more curious with each notification. Online dating, according to his single friends, was all the rage these days. Meeting some stranger in a bar was now a thing of the past.

If Harry thought harder about it, perhaps meeting someone online was the better way to go. _If I'm lucky, I'll match with a Muggle who won't have any idea who I am and won't want me just because I'm famous_.

He'd given up his attempts to date again after one too many potential suitors only expressed interest in him because of his celebrity status. It was part of the reason why he chose to live in Muggle London, holed up in Grimmauld Place. He only ventured back into the Wizarding World for work and various Ministry of Magic obligations.

Deep in thought, Harry walked past Grimmauld. He circled back to it, shaking his head. _Get it together, Potter_.

He kicked off his shoes, took a seat on the couch and set his phone on the coffee table, no longer surprised when it vibrated again.

"It's five o'clock somewhere," he opined, pouring a healthy measure of Firewhisky into a tumbler. He sighed deeply as the alcohol settled into his system, creating an overall warming effect.

"Let's have a look," Harry decided, entering his passcode into his phone.

xxx

Out of curiosity, Harry viewed the profile Hermione had created.

 _James, 25_

 _Occupation: Law Enforcement_

 _Location: Islington_

 _About: Loyal and protective with a weakness for heroics. Family and friends are everything. I work long hours and am often out of the country for work. Looking for an honest, independent, older man for quiet adventures. Up for anything, except camping._

 _Must love dogs_ , Harry added. Oliver's refusal to let them adopt a puppy had left Harry sore for weeks.

He scrolled through the pictures Hermione had posted of him, happy that most covered his infamous scar.

"Too young," muttered Harry, breaking matches with men in their early twenties.

"Nope, no way you're only forty," he scoffed as he severed a connection with a man who looked to be pushing his mid-fifties.

"You've invited me to drinks when I barely know you. You want to shag, and you look too much like Ollie. Nope, nope, nope," he declared, deleting the unwanted matches.

Slowly, Harry narrowed down his matches to ten. He clicked on the first man - Thomas, 35, Knightsbridge, Banker, Manchester United enthusiast. _Not bad – muscular, but not overly so, sweet smile_.

A new message from Lam appeared as Harry was tapping a reply to Thomas's opening message.

 _Lam, 51_

 _Occupation: Self-Employed_

 _Location: Kensington_

Lam's first picture showed him holding a surfboard while overlooking the Holywell Bay Beach in Newquay. The shot, taken from behind, emphasised the beautiful scenery and left Lam blurry. Despite the unclear image, Harry could tell that Lam was fit. He would have guessed that Lam was forty, forty-five max.

The second picture, also taken from behind, featured Lam strolling Sandwood Bay in Scotland with a black Labrador retriever at his heels. The final image was a blurry black & white shot of Lam sitting on the banks of the River Thames. A book covered the majority of his face and sunglasses obscured his eyes.

Lam hadn't completed his profile, which annoyed Harry. _He's got to be the man Hermione mentioned earlier_.

JAMES 13:55: Aren't you the rule breaker? No clear picture of your face *and* nothing on your bio? Naughty.

LAM 16:37: Unlike the hoi polloi, I think outside the box. You've got to work for it. I'm not giving it all away at the start. You were intrigued enough to swipe right.

"Touché, Lam," Harry muttered, quirking an eyebrow up at his phone. He sorely wanted to tell Lam that he hadn't swiped right on him. Harry would have swiped left. His finger hovered over the UNMATCH button, but he changed his mind and began crafting a reply.

JAMES 16:40: Famous? Disabled? Serial killer?

LAM 16:42: No. Clearly not, if I can surf. No.

JAMES 16:42: You must be ugly as sin and using fake pictures if you're too scared to show your face.

LAM 16:43: Far from it!

JAMES 16:44: Really, with a name like Lam? Is that short for Lambert?

LAM 16:44: Yes, my parents were old-fashioned in their naming conventions.

JAMES 16:44: Further supporting my theory that you're an ugly, old man. You're old enough to be my father!

LAM 16:48: According to men in their twenties, I'm a DILF. Again, you swiped right. Your profile states that you're seeking an older man. I presume you don't have a problem with my age. If you do, kindly hit the UNMATCH button and we'll forget this conversation ever happened.

Again, Harry's finger hovered over the UNMATCH button. Something about Lam rubbed him the wrong way. He sensed that Lam wasn't entirely honest.

Perhaps Lam's messages thus far had been honest, but something about Lam's profile troubled Harry. Lam presented a puzzle that Harry felt the need to solve. If Lam was up to anything criminal, it was Harry's civic duty to report him and bring him to justice. Perhaps Hermione would help him. It'd be like when they searched for R.A.B. at Hogwarts.

JAMES 16:58: What brings you to the app? Fall from grace?

LAM 17:00: Something like that.

JAMES 17:00: Did you do something bad?

xxx

It'd been two days since Harry heard from Lam. Lam's silence further convinced Harry that his initial assumptions had been correct. Lam probably sensed that Harry knew something was wrong and ceased further conversation.

That was fine, but Harry had never been one to let sleeping dogs lie.

JAMES 19:34: I've got it! You're a convicted criminal!

 _That should bring him out_. He set his phone on the coffee table and retreated to his room for a nap before meeting Hermione and Ron at the pub.

He'd delay his response if Lam had the decency to reply. Maybe wait four days to respond to give Lam a taste of his own medicine.

"You didn't delete it, did you?" Hermione greeted, smiling knowingly.

"No. I've been talking to a few guys," admitted Harry. "What'd you think about Lam? He's the one with the strange profile."

"He seems intriguing," Hermione declared, biting on her straw.

"Let me see this bloke." Harry handed Ron his phone. He was doubtful that Ron would be able to make sense of Lam, but it was worth the try.

"Odd," agreed Ron, taking a sip of his pint. "Rather rude of him not to reply."

"Wasn't meant to be," Harry dismissed, shrugging his shoulders. "Wish he had replied though."

"I wouldn't count him out just yet," interjected Hermione. "Perhaps he's gone on holiday and is somewhere with poor cell reception."

"Eh, I don't care anymore. Lam did something bad. He would have said so if he hadn't," Harry deduced. "Plus, why bother with him when I've got Thomas?"

He pulled up Thomas's profile for Hermione and Ron, distracting them from a further conversation about Lam.

Surprisingly, his phone had stayed relatively quiet that night, despite having engaged in conversation with five men, excluding the elusive Lam. Then again, perhaps his matches were out in pubs trying to pick up men the old-fashioned way.

xxx

At just past midnight, Harry felt a telltale vibration against his thigh and pulled his phone out of his pocket, smiling at the notification from Lam on his home screen. He meant to delay his response, but self-control had never been his strong point.

"What the fresh hell is this?" Harry flung his phone down, hitting his pint glass and spilling beer everywhere.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked, backing away from the table. Ron began wiping the beer from the table, a startled look on his face.

Harry's hands shook as he thrust his phone into Hermione's hand.

"Oh my god," she gasped, her face turning red.

To Harry's surprise, she began to giggle. Her giggle soon grew to full blown laughter. She clasped her hand over her mouth and passed the phone to Ron.

"Bloody hell!" roared Ron, gagging at the image. "Why'd you have to show me _that_?"

"I knew you'd want to look," Hermione retorted. "Harry, it appears that you've received a dick pic," Hermione explained, a fresh set of giggles on her lips.

"Quit laughing, Hermione," snapped Harry, snatching his phone out of Ron's hands.

He braced himself, glancing at the offending image once more. _I'll delete it, unmatch from him and that'll be that_.

Perhaps it was all the beer he'd consumed, but something about the phallic image hypnotised him.

 _It's fucking perfect_ , Harry decided, his eyes greedily running up and down Lam's impressive length and girth. Lam hadn't received the short end of the stick.

 _I'd be happy with that_ , Harry thought, his mouth watering at the thought of wrapping his lips around it.

A song about being horny and riding a pony blasted through the pub's loudspeakers. _I bet he'd be a good ride_.

 _Delete it! He's gross! You barely know him, and he has the nerve to send you this!_

Harry pressed his finger on the image. 'Save image' looked tempting. He pondered it, licking his lips.

"Let me see it," demanded Hermione, taking the phone before Harry could object. "There was something familiar there."

"Here," she stated, pointing to the black cane that lay next to a silver toothbrush. Harry hadn't thought to look at the background for any clues as to Lam's identity.

She'd zoomed in on the top of the cane, which had a silver snake's head with green crystal eyes.

"Lucius Malfoy!" blurted Harry and Ron.

"Lam – Lucius Abraxas Malfoy," stated Hermione.

"But why?" wondered Ron.

"Well, according to _Cosmopolitan_ , men send dick pictures for various reasons. He could have sent it to gauge if you're interested. He could be showing it off. It's rather large…"

"Oy!" yelped Ron, smacking Hermione's arm. "Would you rather have that?" he huffed, crossing his arms across his chest.

"No!" shouted Hermione, hitting him back.

"What are you going to do?" questioned Ron.

"I've got no idea," moaned Harry, cradling his head in his hands. "If you two don't mind, I'm going to call it a night."

xxx

"You're fucking kidding," Harry cursed, as a notification from Lam appeared on his phone. He turned away from his nightstand, attempting to go back to sleep. At past two o'clock in the afternoon, he'd slept the day away, but he didn't care.

He grabbed his phone, put his glasses on and swiped on the notification.

LAM 14:29: It's rude to ghost on people. The polite thing would be to state that you aren't interested in further conversation. But, apparently, barbarians have raised you.

Harry's face flushed as he read Lucius's words.

JAMES 14:32: HOW DARE YOU, LUCIUS MALFOY. Nice cane. Try cropping it from your pictures next time if you're intent on hiding your identity.

LAM 14:35: It's not a cane, you cretin; it's a walking stick. Your profile isn't doing a good job of hiding yours, Harry Potter. The Dark Lord often spoke of your weakness for heroics.

JAMES 14:35: REALLY? Are you going to argue the semantics of your fucking cane?

JAMES 14:35: You're the one who ghosted on me for over two days!

JAMES 14:35: And when you finally reply, you have the nerve to send me that?!

JAMES 14:35: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

LAM 14:44: I had to return to the Wizarding World for business obligations. No Internet, as you recall. Or, have you fully immersed yourself with those filthy Muggles? And, as I stated earlier, it's a walking stick.

JAMES 14:45: They mustn't be that filthy if you're on a dating app looking for Muggles to shag.

JAMES 14:45: You can take your WALKING STICK and SHOVE it up your ARSEHOLE! Wait, you'd probably enjoy that! You're fucking mental!

LAM 14:46: And soil a precious family heirloom? I think not. I can explain.

JAMES 14:46: I don't want to hear it.

LAM 14:50: You weren't the intended recipient. That was for my GP. Take a closer look. You'll see a slight curve at the top. My Internet research has deduced that it's nothing to worry about, but one can never be too sure with these things.

Harry flung his phone on the bed, unable to handle Lucius's ridiculous explanation. Shaking his head, he opened the conversation. Harry scrolled up to the image. He wasn't sure why he was looking at it again since he'd committed it to his memory. It was as straight as it could be, no bends, twists or curves.

JAMES 14:53: Bullshit! There's no curve. It's perfect.

"Oh fuck," Harry groaned.

LAM 15:00: Perfect, huh? ;-)

JAMES 15:05: *You're pathetic. Autocorrect fail.

LAM: 15:06: Not even close, Potter. Lying doesn't suit you.

Harry should have severed their connection. It wasn't like he'd ever bump into Lucius in the Wizarding World or the Muggle one. Perhaps Hermione would take pity on him and wipe the incident from his mind.

JAMES 15:12: Why'd you swipe on me? Aren't you married? You don't seem like you'd be into men.

He braced himself on his forearms, watching Lucius type his reply.

LAM: 15:17: Don't you read the papers? Cissa and I divorced two years ago. She caught me in bed with a man. That was the final straw.

LAM 15:18: As for you, I've always wanted to bed and be bedded by The Boy Who Lived. The very idea gets me hard as rocks.

JAMES 15:20: Are you fucking serious?

LAM 15:22: If we're basing it on your looks alone, yes. You've grown more handsome over time, and I've always liked my men tall, dark and handsome.

LAM 15:23: Admittedly, your personality is sorely lacking. What a shame. I suppose I can overlook it for a shag or two. It's not like we'd be talking much.

JAMES 15:25: So, that picture was intended for me? You want to see if I'm interested.

LAM 15:26: If you'd like to read it that way, fine.

JAMES 15:28: I'm not interested.

LAM 15:29: Your loss, Potter. I would have shown you a good time.

JAMES 15:33: I don't doubt that Lucius, but I'm not just going to jump into bed with the first man I find attractive. I barely even know you, and the little that I know isn't working in your favour. Yes, I admit that it's perfect. It looked tempting, and I think it could have been fun. But, you've gone about this in the wrong way.

LAM 15:39: I'm sorry, Harry. Can we try this again? You don't have to reply now. Take as long as you need. Just don't ghost on me.

xxx

Later that afternoon, Harry walked along the banks of the River Thames, cooling down after a vigorous run. Lucius's request replayed through his mind as his feet pounded the pavement. His head screamed at him to stay away. Nothing good could come from an association with Lucius. His gut sang another song, encouraging him to go through with it. What's the harm in trying?

JAMES 18:26: Ok, we can try again.

Harry expected an instant reply and began to worry as the minutes passed.

LAM 18:51: Excellent. One request.

JAMES 18:51: Yes?

LAM 18:52: I've shown you mine. It's only fair that you show me yours. ;-P

JAMES 18:52: ╭∩╮

LAM: 18:52: In due time, Potter.

JAMES 18:53: Aren't you bold?

LAM 18:53: Confidence goes a long way.

JAMES 18:53: I suppose.

LAM 18:54: Dinner? Pick you up at 8?

JAMES 18:54: It's a date.

* * *

Word Count: 3405. Written for Hogwarts Assignment #2 – Gardening Task #2 – Write about someone who gets in trouble and keeps digging a bigger hole for himself/herself.

Also submitted for the following at Hogwarts:

-Writing Club – Character Appreciation 15. (Word) Family.

-Writing Club – Disney Challenge: Characters – 6. The Sultan – Word Set: Hypnotised/short/happy.

-Writing Club – Showtime - I'm Not That Girl (reprise) - (word) Wishing.

-Writing Club – Buttons. Object (toothbrush), Dialogue ("Think about it.") and Words (Dare).

-Writing Club – A Year in Entertainment – TV: House – (object) Cane

-Writing Club – Liza's Loves - Screwdriver - Write about someone using a Muggle item.

-Writing Club – Jenny's Jovial Quotations – 23. "What fresh hell is this?" - Dorothy Parker.

-The Insane House Challenge #581 Plot Point - Using a Dating Site/Service.

-365 Prompt Challenge #30 Online Dating!AU

-Resolutions Challenge: #4 4/50 stories written in 2018, #29 Write a cross-gen fic and #70 Write a gift fic for a Slytherin.

-February Scavenger Hunt #7 Write an AU set outside the wizarding world (no magic – squibs acceptable).

Also submitted for the Conversation Starter Prompt Challenge on the HPFC. #26 Write about a character making a mistake that benefits them in the long run.


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